Stupid Move

Most of the people that are close to me know that I’m still in love with my ex.  Although I don’t usually talk about it on social media because we are still friends on Facebook.  I don’t follow him but we are still friends. I quit following him on Twitter and Instagram because it was just too hard to be reminded of him all the time. I am trying to create some space between the two of us because he is in no way shape or form ready to deal with me or us.  Sometimes I think he doesn’t want to have anything to do with me and then other times he surprises me by sitting next to me at a volleyball game.  I try not to read into anything he does because I know he is completely and totally unreliable when it comes to his feelings or actions toward me.  This afternoon I posted something on Facebook that I probably shouldn’t have.  There was this thing where you had to describe 26 things about yourself.  One of the responses requires you to put who you are in love with.  Normally I wouldn’t post anything about how I feel about him but today i just decided I didn’t care. I filled in the response with his name and ironically it tagged him in the post.  Of course the beauty of the whole thing is that I know he’s seen it but he doesn’t comment or even contact me.  I so hate how I feel about him.  I wish that I never would have given him my heart.  Everyone thinks I’m just some love sick idiot but they don’t realize that he has made everything so much more difficult for me.  I was ok without him and ok by myself and then he had to come back into my life.  He had to kiss me like there was no tomorrow and make love to me like he actually wanted to love me forever.  He gets to be the one that has to deal with me while in reality I wouldn’t even feel this way if it wasn’t for him.  I would love to out him except that would out me too.  Despite everything he’s put me through I still don’t want to hurt him.  I should hate him but I can’t.  I know that I will never be happy as long as I am hung up on him.  I can’t move on and I can’t fall in love with someone else.  I deserve to be happy but honestly right now I am far from happy.  I feel like I’m on a destructive path because I can’t feel anything real for anyone else.  Why can’t he just talk to me?  Why is it so hard for him to just be honest with me?  Is he ever going to figure out how I really feel about him?  Love isn’t supposed to hurt but right now that’s all I feel is pain. I have been tempted to send him a link to this blog but so far I haven’t. I think part of me wants him to see it  but the other part of me is afraid of what he might think. I have decided that I need to focus on getting through the holidays and then after the first of the year I will worry about the ex and how I feel. I need some time to process my feelings and to figure out how I want to proceed.  I may not have a chance to get back together with my ex but I do have a chance to spend some time with myself.

Adele has this great new song and it so made me think about the ex.  I would love to have this talk with him.  I would just love to feel close to him again.  I hate the way I feel right now.  I don’t think I have ever felt so alone.  Adele has an amazing voice that just opens up the flood gates in my heart.  I’m not sure I will ever love again but I really hope he will be happy one day.  As much as I want him to be happy with me, I just want to see him smile and know that the emotion is real and not just a mask.  Maybe then I can finally let go!!

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