On the Eve of my 41st Year

I can hardly believe all the changes that have occurred over the last year. I have finally come to realize that although every year brings its share of challenges, it also brings its share of joy.  I lost my father but I have watched my son grow into a very respectful young man that believes in God.  In a few more weeks I will watch him be baptized which is one of the greatest gifts I could receive.  I have had the honor of watching my daughter bloom into her own person.  She doesn’t march to the beat of the band but stands out in the crowd.  She has completely reinvented herself this year at her new school. I am so proud of the young woman that she is becoming.  I consider myself so lucky to have two amazing children that never fail to remind of how special they really are.  I’m sure that a year from now I will probably have many more changes to reflect on too but for now I want to look to my future and not my past.

I have spent the last year ignoring the fact that I wasn’t dealing with the past.  I had this really great friend that was more than willing to let me ignore the past and pretend like everything was ok.  It wasn’t and in the process of the last year he became a crutch for my when I was sad or lost.  We weren’t in a relationship but I let the lines get blurred to the point that we ended up engaged for awhile.  I never loved him like that and he knew it but he was ok with that.  I knew it was wrong but I was devastated by my broken heart that wouldn’t heal.  He let me pretend everything was ok.  He made me think it was ok not to love him despite the fact that I constantly had doubts.  I finally realized that I was better off alone than living a lie.  Now it is time to move on from him so I can figure out who I really am today.

On another note, I never really let go of my ex. Now that he has come back into my world and completely turned it upside down I feel differently.  He doesn’t know what he wants that’s ok for him but not for me.  I refuse to be treated like an option.  I want to be someone’s priority not just an option in their lives.  He will always remain special to me in so many ways but now it is time to move on.  He has chosen to live his life in a way that I truly don’t  understand.  We have a lot of history but I think that’s all it is at this point.  I won’t be cruel and if things change and he asks me out I will give him a chance but I refuse to spend any more time focused on him. He is a great guy but maybe he’s just not the great guy that will make my world complete.

Tomorrow I will wake up to yet another birthday but one thing I have come to realize is that life is too short to focus on the negative in life.  I plan to be happy.  I want to meet new people and experience new things.  I want to go out and have fun not sit at home and be sad.  In the next month I will go through all sorts of significant events in my life but I know that whatever happens my faith in God will carry me through.

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