Life’s Questions

So yesterday the paramedic was asking me to come and spend the night in Decatur with him next weekend and now he’s backing off. This is why I didn’t want to get involved with anyone else. He says that he would like to be in a relationship but he doesn’t really care if he is or isn’t. I guess I don’t get that because you either want someone in your life or you don’t. He seems like a nice guy buy I’m starting to wonder whether or not he’s worth the trouble. I don’t mind driving to Decatur for the race but that’s a long way to go just to turn around and come home that night. I think things between us are starting to deteriorate before they have even gotten started. Maybe I’m not ready to be involved with anyone even on a casual basis. I have no interest in being involved with another man that is going to be so difficult.

On another note today was the one year anniversary of the death of my ex’s dad. I know that today must have been really hard for him but yet again he didn’t reach out to me. He never even said hello today at church so i guess we’re not even friends anymore. He promised that I wouldn’t lose his friendship but I did. Somehow I knew that would happen because you can’t stay friends with someone that you are having sex with. We haven’t had sex in almost a month but that still doesn’t change the fact that for four months we kept crossing boundaries that should never have been crossed. I wish I wasn’t worried about him or how he is feeling but I am. I want him to be ok and to find his happiness even if it has nothing to do with me. I will keep praying for him the way I have been for the last few weeks and hope for the best.

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