Why is it that certain people can manipulate us to do things? I realized this week that my ex has been manipulating me for quite a while. Every time I think I am ready to walk away he shows back up in my life. He will text me when I don’t expect him to or he will poke me on Facebook completely out of the blue. The sad thing about it is that I fall for it every time. I want him to want me. I want to get those texts from him and I want to see him. Someone told me last night that it was about mutual attraction and that was why I hadn’t let go of my ex. I completely disagree with this statement because I have been attracted to other people. I have even had sex with other people but it doesn’t change the fact that no one else makes me feel the way he does. I can’t explain what it is about him that makes me love him so much but I just do. The last time we were together he asked me why I love him. I really wish I could put it into words because maybe if I understood why I feel the way I do then I could get over him. I want to move on and fall in love again but it just seems like I am stuck. Stuck with feelings that aren’t reciprocated for someone from my past. He is my past but yet he remains in my present and in my heart. Life is strange. I know that since I have been home from Spain I have felt differently about everything. I would love to have him in my life but I have come to realize that it is not so important anymore. I am ok by myself. I am actually pretty happy on my own. I am lucky enough to have some great friends and wonderful teenagers to drive me crazy on a daily basis. He is the only man I have been with for months but I also know that I need to stop this craziness between us. I have to stop sleeping with him in order to give myself a chance at happiness sometime in the future. I leave for Bolivia in seventy days so I don’t really have time for a relationship or the drama that goes along with it. I need to simplify my life and focus on what is good about it and not what I think I am lacking. I spent most of the day on Friday cleaning the house like a crazy person. My house still isn’t completely clean but it is so much better than when I started. I plan to keep working on the house over the next few weeks so that when I leave for Bolivia I won’t have to come home to a filthy house.