Why is it that certain people can manipulate us to do things?  I realized this week that my ex has been manipulating me for quite a while.  Every time I think I am ready to walk away he shows back up in my life.  He will text me when I don’t expect him to or he will poke me on Facebook completely out of the blue.  The sad thing about it is that I fall for it every time.  I want him to want me.  I want to get those texts from him and I want to see him. Someone told me last night that it was about mutual attraction and that was why I hadn’t let go of my ex.  I completely disagree with this statement because I have been attracted to other people.  I have even had sex with other people but it doesn’t change the fact that no one else makes me feel the way he does.  I can’t explain what it is about him that makes me love him so much but I just do.  The last time we were together he asked me why I love him.  I really wish I could put it into words because maybe if I understood why I feel the way I do then I could get over him.  I want to move on and fall in love again but it just seems like I am stuck.  Stuck with feelings that aren’t reciprocated for someone from my past. He is my past but yet he remains in my present and in my heart. Life is strange.  I know that since I have been home from Spain I have felt differently about everything.  I would love to have him in my life but I have come to realize that it is not so important anymore.  I am ok by myself.  I am actually pretty happy on my own.  I am lucky enough to have some great friends and wonderful teenagers to drive me crazy on a daily basis.  He is the only man I have been with for months but I also know that I need to stop this craziness between us.  I have to stop sleeping with him in order to give myself a chance at happiness sometime in the future.  I leave for Bolivia in seventy days so I don’t really have time for a relationship or the drama that goes along with it.  I need to simplify my life and focus on what is good about it and not what I think I am lacking.  I spent most of the day on Friday cleaning the house like a crazy person.  My house still isn’t completely clean but it is so much better than when I started.  I plan to keep working on the house over the next few weeks so that when I leave for Bolivia I won’t have to come home to a filthy house.

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