When I stopped seeing the guy I had been seeing I was really worried that I would fall into the same trap with my ex again. It seems like when I have been single this year that we have gravitated to each other. There was no rhyme or reason to it and for the most part it was about sex. It broke my heart a little more every time it happened but yet I couldn’t walk away. The last few weeks I have realized how much happier I am on my own. I would still love to be in a relationship but I know I’m not ready for that. So this weekend was kind of a test. My ex showed up in my classroom after school on Friday unexpectedly. He was friendly so we talked. Friday night my ex texted me so again we talked. A couple of months ago, I would probably have spent Friday night in bed with him. Instead I had a two hour conversation with him and then I went to bed. Last night he texted me again. A part of me wanted him to come over last night and make love to me one last time. I know that it wouldn’t change anything but a part of me really wanted it anyway. Instead, I had a real conversation with him about what we had been doing for months. I asked questions that I had been too afraid to ask. I also finally got some answers that will help me finally walk away. I will always love this man but I know that it is time to let him go. The next few weeks are going to bring a lot of changes to my life. I may get a new job and I am about to embark on an amazing journey of discovery in Bolivia. I don’t necessarily think we will ever be completely out of each other’s lives but I do think the chance of us ever getting back together is behind us.
My best friend made a statement to me yesterday about the three of us being obsessed with each other. I’m not sure if that is true or not but I do know one thing, it needs to end. We don’t need to stay so wrapped up in each other. My best friend is interested in another woman but he says he’s not. I think part of it has to do with me. He needs to move on with his life too. He needs to find someone else to focus his energies on. He is definitely my best friend but that needs to be where it ends. I need to move away from the past completely. I am really hoping that I can do that while I am in Bolivia.
It is so funny how much can change in a year. I would never have thought I would be where I am today a year ago. My father has been gone almost a year and I honestly think his death has made me see things with a clearer focus. I would love to be able to sit down and talk to my dad one last time but I know in my heart that he knows how much I loved him. I plan to live the rest of my life in a way that he could be proud of me.