Sexual Identity

I spent the first thirty years of my life having a very unhealthy view of sex. I was raised by parents that really didn’t communicate with me in a positive and healthy way.  All my mom could focus on was the idea that if I had sex I was going to get pregnant.  She never focused on educating me or even trying to help me be smart about my choices or even my changing body. We came from completely different worlds and my mom couldn’t relate to mine at all because she was already married when she was 18 years-old. I got married at 23 myself after spending almost four years exclusively dating women. I honestly didn’t even like sex very much. Needless to say I never gave myself the opportunity to truly develop my own sexual identity.

At thirty everything changed for me. I had sexual desires that I had never experienced and all of a sudden I was horny and had a need to masturbate. I didn’t know how to deal with my feelings. I was in a marriage where I had little or no relationship with my husband and I had two small children so I was really busy. My husband honestly didn’t understand the changes in me and he judged me for my feelings. I think this situation led to the end of my marriage. After my divorce I went a little crazy because it was the first time I was able to experience sex in a more open and healthy way in my life.

I met what would later become my second husband a couple of months after I left my first husband. My second marriage was very different than the first in that we had a very healthy sexual relationship. I completely trusted him with my body and because of that we experimented quite a bit. I had anal sex with him for the first time and we even experimented with anal beads and nipple clamps. We went to topless bars together and we even had sex in a porn shop one night. The relationship was very exciting for both of us because we had both been in previous relationships where we couldn’t be open about sex. Unfortunately sex seems to be the only thing that really worked in our marriage and after only three and a half years we also got divorced.

I have had a few semi-serious relationships since my divorce that have all led me to my current partner. It took me awhile to really figure out what kind of man I really wanted. For some reason I kept being drawn to men that were semi-controlling and difficult. Men that let little things get the best of them. I finally realized that I didn’t want that kind of man in my life everyday. About a year and a half ago I met a man that is eight years older than me and very different than any man I’ve ever met before. We started a relationship and needless to say I fell helplessly in love with him. He is so different from other men that I have been with. He is an extremely sexual man with lots of experience. I had a threesome with him and his friend. I have had anal sex with him so many times. We have talked about experimenting with other things but time is an issue for us. We are no longer actively involved in a relationship but we still see each other and we still have sex. I still love him even though we aren’t officially together. We don’t just have sex we make love. We have intense, passionate, erotic and amazing sex. He makes me feel things I have never felt before. Now we are talking about experiencing more with anal penetration. I bought a kit yesterday that includes a butt plug and a prostate plug designed for men. I told him all about it and I think he is just as excited as I am.  Honestly I have never met a man that I could be so open and honest with when it comes to sex and just life in general. I completely trust him with my body so I know that whatever we do he will take care of me. It may seem crazy but I can’t wait to see him again so that we can play.

I’m not sure if I am completely aware of my sexual identity but I know that I am much closer to discovering it now than I was thirteen years ago when I turned thirty. I plan to just continue to explore the things that I am interested in while living my life for me.

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