Mixed Emotions

I don’t really talk about my first husband very much because my life is so much better without him. I do have that relationship to thank for my two beautiful children. We have been divorced for ten years and I hardly even know why we were ever together anymore. We have had our share of problems and fights regarding our children over the years. Now just like that our oldest is going to be a senior. I took her to have her senior pictures taken last Friday and now this afternoon we have to go and look at them. I told her it was okay to invite her dad to go see the pictures with us. I have no idea whether or not he will show up but I am totally not looking forward to going and seeing the pictures. I heard from another parent that they are really expensive for one and knowing that I will have to share the moment with him makes me uneasy. He has always complained about and disrespected every action I have taken in regards to our children. I am a great mother but he has always treated me like I am an inferior mother for some reason. He is just the type of person that needs to put other people down in order to feel better about himself. I always thought he would be the best father but he’s really not. He doesn’t really know his own kids and he has no relationship whatsoever with his son. It is so crazy that in a few short years I won’t have to have regular contact with him anymore because our kids will be in college. We barely talk now which is actually pretty healthy for us. I never wanted things to be that way but once you get divorced you really can’t predict how it’s going to make someone else behave. He has blamed me for all of it for the last ten years. I don’t think he accepts any responsibility for the demise of our marriage at all. It’s sad really because if he could just let go of the past than things would be so much easier on all of us. Today I will have to be the bigger person and tolerate his presence in a moment that I really don’t want to share with him. I will do it for my daughter but it still makes me uneasy. I hate fighting with him. I just want peace in my life without all the drama. I want to live my life and continue raising my children. To me they are not a prize to be one, but people who I would do anything for. It has been a long crazy week and I am actually looking forward to some time to myself. I will definitely need it after being around him.

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