My dad died three years ago and to be perfectly honest I have a really hard time watching other people celebrate this holiday. I make a point of staying off social media on Father’s Day. My dad and I always had a complicated relationship. My mom has always told me we are just alike. I never really saw it but I know that we fought all the time. My dad was really strike on me when I was younger and I hated every minute of it. As I got older we developed a relationship that was still strained but yet we were able to get along better. I think my biggest issue with my dad is that I never thought he was proud of me. He would tell other people but he never told me. I never felt like anything I did was good enough for him until I became a mom. As a mom my dad really respected me. As it turns out, he was also really proud of me for getting my master’s. He didn’t get to see me graduate but I think he knew I was going to finish. My dad died at the end of May before I graduated in December. My graduation was one of the hardest days of my life because he wasn’t there.
It is so weird because now that he has been gone sometimes it feels like he was never here. I miss him a lot but mainly when something really big happens. My mom has an even more obscure situation than I do. She was married to my dad for almost 59 years but a boyfriend that she was only with for a year and a half seems to mean more to her than my dad. It is so hard to wrap my head around that. I don’t want to be upset with her because I know she can’t help her feelings.
I think the other thing about this day is that my kids are always with their dad. I don’t regret my divorce from my first husband but I do miss being able to share Father’s Day with them like I did when they were younger. I think I feel a lot of guilt that my kids have had to grow up without having both their parents every day. It probably seems silly but I guess I just don’t want them to miss out on anything. My kids tell me that they are better people not having been raised by both of us but I can’t help wondering if that is really true. I don’t want them to look back on their life and feel the loss because of my decisions.