Confusion

So I really thought we had worked things out. I thought things would go back the way they were before but that’s just not happening. I’m not sure if he’s seeing someone else or if he’s just gotten tired of our situation. I rarely hear from him at all these days and when we do see each other it seems like he’s only interested in fucking. Our situation has never been about just fucking. We have had periods before when he got distant and then we would go back to normal. I think in my heart I hope that’s what will happen now but at the same time I’m worried that we are done. I hate being the clingy woman that thinks we are done every time he gets busy and we stop spending so much time together. I guess this time is especially hard because before all this started he had recently told me how much he appreciated me being there for him and he even told me he loved me. I just really don’t understand this man. When things are good between us I am so happy but when they are not I feel a bit lost. I have a tendency to look for other outlets when he starts ignoring me. I am guilty of that again. I started talking to a friend again this week that I hadn’t spoken to in over a month. I’ve also had sex with him twice this week. I even did something with him last night that I haven’t tried with the man I love. Part of me thinks I should feel guilty for fucking another man but I honestly don’t. I am confused and hurt and for whatever reason it makes me feel better to have sex with a friend than to wallow in my self-pity. I can probably have sex with him again this weekend if I want too. It’s funny though it’s not even as much about the sex as it is about the companionship. He’s not just a lover he’s my friend. I guess it’s safe to fuck him because we are in a similar situation in that we are both in love with someone else. I refuse to try and meet someone new because I know my heart just wouldn’t be in it. I just wish my heart wasn’t such a jumbled mess right now.

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