A Mother’s Love

I divorced my children’s dad almost ten years ago. Needless to say it has been a difficult ten years. My ex-husband makes a lot more money than I do and still only contributes child support and nothing else. He doesn’t support any of my decisions regarding our children and he has no bones about telling my children what a terrible mother I am. I have sacrificed everything for my kids. My whole life has been about them. My kids came home very early from their dad’s house today and we got in a huge argument. They think I am just like their dad. They blame us equally for all the issues over the last ten years. I guess they think I was just supposed to lie down and take whatever he gave me. They have no idea how difficult things have been for me. They have no idea how difficult my life was when I was still married to their dad. I probably shouldn’t let all this bother me but it is so hard to see the people you love most in your life not really see you. I got so angry today that I actually told them they could go live with their dad if that’s how they felt. It doesn’t help that I am extremely emotional today because I have PMS. I even snapped at the man in my life. I was really rude to him despite the fact that what I said was true, it wasn’t the time or place to address the issue. I feel so alone right now. I’m not even sure what to do. I can apologize to my kids but it doesn’t change the fact that they have broken my heart. I’m not sure I can let go of what they said. I feel like maybe if I had stayed childless I wouldn’t have all the pain in my heart right now. I’m not sure that I can deal with their feelings about me. I thought I had been a better mother than that. I thought they knew how much I loved them. I guess it was all for naught. When it is all said and done you are always viewed by other people’s perceptions. I have let them know me and now they have hurt me more than almost anyone else in my life. Between my mom being a bitch and my kids thinking I just want to war with their father I pretty much feel like I have nothing left.

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