Conflict

I was so upset about my kids yesterday that I lashed out to the man that I love with all my heart. Our situation isn’t perfect and I was frustrated with him but my anger and hurt from my argument with my kids caused me to say some hurtful things to him. I apologized but it doesn’t change what I said. The thing is I meant everything I said but I’m not sure that it was the time or place for the conversation. He has been avoiding me every weekend and then during the week he acts like he wants to see me but it never works out. We are not in a relationship and we are both free to go out with other people. If he met someone I wish he would just tell me that instead of keeping me around just cause. We used to go out on occasion and we actually spent time together. Now we just get together rarely and fuck. I didn’t sign up for this and I have been frustrated for awhile. I guess maybe it’s a good thing that my feelings came out yesterday but I didn’t intend on being so harsh. So he said something tonight about my comments so I told him honestly how I felt about the way things have been. Now he won’t respond to my texts. He can be the most infuriating man alive. I know that I am not easy to deal with but I would never treat him the way he’s been treating me. He knows I love him and I think sometimes he takes advantage of my feelings. I’m not sure that he would have talked to me yesterday after my comments had it not been for me being so upset about my kids. He was really there for me when I was upset but he was obviously upset by my comments because he brought it up tonight. I am glad he said something but then when I responded he just shuts me out. It is really not fair for him to bring something up that is obviously bothering him and not give me a chance to respond. I wanted to open up a conversation not have him shut down on me the minute he became uncomfortable. Most of the people that are close to me think the two of us are supposed to be together but I’m starting to wonder if that is really true. Lately I have spent more time being sad or angry with him than I have happy. I can’t even remember the last time we really had a great time together. Sadly I am starting to wonder if things with us have just run their course. We got back in touch around this time last year and I never expected things to last this long. We have definitely had our ups and downs but lately it seems like there has been more conflict than joy. It honestly makes me feel sick to think about him not being in my life but I know that sometimes things have to end. I want to share my life with someone and I honestly don’t understand why that is so hard.

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