Doubt

I haven’t been on a date with the man I love for quite awhile but we finally went out Saturday night. He was sweet when I got to his house, and he even kissed me when he first saw me which it doesn’t usually do. I waited on him to take a shower so we could go to dinner. I have to admit that I have gained some weight lately and I am feeling a bit self-conscious about it. Then to add to that fear and doubt, I saw a note on his desk from another woman. I know that we aren’t exclusive and I know he has the right to see whoever he wants too whenever he wants too. I guess somewhere in the back of my mind I was just hoping that he was only seeing me which is totally crazy and unrealistic. I have gone out with other people. I have even had sex with other people which he knows about. I am always honest about the things I do but I never ask him about his habits. We had dinner which was really nice. When we got back to his house I was really nervous which is silly because I have had sex with this man so many times I shouldn’t be nervous. Of course he turned off all the lights before he even kissed me and then when he took off his pants he wasn’t even hard yet. I don’t ever remember a time when he wasn’t hard when his pants came off. I am probably reading too much into it but I did notice. It was really strange between us the other night because we seemed to fool around with foreplay for a really long time. He was even tickling me part of the time. He slapped my ass more times and harder than he ever has before. I even asked him if he was trying to punish me for something and he told me maybe. He also bite my ass in conjunction with licking my ass. After all that we had the most intense and rough anal sex that I ever remember having. We were so engaged that we almost fell off the bed. I wonder where all that passion and intensity came from because one minute he was lying behind me and the next he was fucking me so hard I could barely catch my breath. The thing is that I honestly felt like I was going to orgasm from that which shocked me. I am not sure if I should be concerned about how intense things have been lately of if I should just chalk it up to his moods. I wonder if he has rough intense sex with other women or if he just saves that for me. I know that when we were an actual couple the sex was very different than it is now. Of course we have been having sex for over a year and a half so I it was bound to evolve in that time. I just really wish I knew how he feels about me.

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