Insecurity

I really hate the person I have become sometimes. I used to be so alive and so confident about everything in my life. I used to approach relationships on my terms and I never allowed myself to be treated badly. Now I am so fraught with insecurity that I don’t even know how to feel about anything. I worry about any indication that something is wrong with the people I am involved in. I get too involved in things that I shouldn’t and I allow myself to put too much of myself into people I shouldn’t. For the last year I have stayed in contact with my ex and I have seen him on a fairly regular basis. We have continued to fuck and I have honestly never stopped loving him. I never thought we would continue our casual existence for so long. I figured that either we would get back together or one of us would meet someone else and move on. I am constantly in a state of unease about our situation because it has been so long. I almost feel like I am trying to make it self-destruct because of my lack of trust. I have never had anyone accept me for who I am the way he does. He has made me feel whole in so many ways. He has helped me explore my likes and dislikes when it comes to sex. I don’t feel judged with him like I have with other people in the past. However the casualness of our situation makes me really insecure. I worry that I have gained too much weight for him to be attracted to me anymore or that he is just tired of having sex with me after all this time. It is so weird because two of my past lovers have told me that they had some of the best sex of their lives with me. He’s never told me anything like that before. We have really intense sex most of the time but I still worry that it isn’t enough for him. I know that people say you will never be enough for the wrong person but a part of me doesn’t feel like he is the wrong person. I am so drawn to him physically and emotionally. He makes feel things that no one else ever has before. My best friend and one of my oldest friends thinks that our nontraditional relationship without having a commitment is good for me but I don’t know. Am I making a choice that will end with me being alone? Ultimately I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone. I would like to have someone special to share my life with. I just hope I’m not setting myself up for the biggest heartbreak I’ve ever known.

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