Endings

It’s funny really because you never know when the end of anything is going to happen. You might plan for the end of a job or even the end of your single life if you’re getting married but nothing really prepares you for that end. My dad was really sick for over four years but I still wasn’t prepared when he died. I wasn’t prepared after he died when my mom subsequently started dating someone else and then moved him in her house. It is crazy how much relationships change over the course of a lifetime. I’m not sure I was truly prepared for what it would feel like when both my marriages fell apart. I guess where all this is coming from is my hurt and frustration to not hearing from the man who I think about every day. We haven’t talked at all since Sunday. Maybe that wouldn’t hurt so much if we hadn’t had some of the best sex we’ve ever had on Saturday night. I guess I’m feeling a bit used right now. He acts like he cares and most of the time we are in pretty close contact but now I haven’t heard from him in almost a week. I refuse to text him because that sort of defeats the purpose. I want to matter to him and I’m never going to know that if I always reach out to him. We have gone a while without contact before but it has definitely been awhile since that’s happen. Whenever we get in this situation I start thinking that it’s the end for us. I guess you could say I am starting to feel that way again. I am trying really hard not to focus on him or the situation but I miss him. I’m worried about whether or not he’s alright with the heat this week and whether or not things with work are going well. I just miss knowing he’s happy and doing well. I hate that I miss him so much because sometimes I wish that I could just forget about him. I know that we probably don’t have a future and if I was smart I would find a way to move on but I just can’t seem to walk away from him. I have tried before but somehow I always end up back here again. I’m tired of feeling like I am in limbo!!

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