So my ex contacted me last Friday after three weeks. I responded to him on Saturday and told him that our arrangement wasn’t going to work for me anymore. I finally heard back from him again today. At first he responded as if I was accusing him of lying or leading me on which I never said. I told him that and then he told me I deserved to be happy. I proceeded to tell him that the sad thing is that I was happy with him just not our situation. He told me he wished it could have been different. I told him it could have which made him admit that he was the reason it wasn’t. I didn’t respond again after that and I have no idea whether or not I will ever hear from him again. I had a strange feeling of clarity after our exchange. I am sad probably for the first time since my birthday because I know things are really over but I also feel like at least I have some element of closure. I do miss him because he wasn’t just my lover but one of my best friends. I know that I need to look toward the future but just for the day I am reminiscing about the past. I will probably always love him but he isn’t capable of returning that love. I refuse to settle for less than what I deserve anymore. I am a great person and I deserve to be with someone that appreciates that about me. I will miss him though. I doubt I will ever meet anyone else that makes me feel the way he did.
So today I drove an hour to attend a memorial for a woman that I have known since I was twelve years old. She was instrumental in my participation in the International Order of the Rainbow for Girls. I knew both her son and her daughter when I was a kid. In the last few years she has become a really good friend of my mom’s. My mom wasn’t at the memorial today because she had a previous engagement that she decided to go ahead and attend. I felt really bad because when her husband, son and sister asked me where my mom was today I really didn’t know what to say. My mom should have been there today. I don’t really understand why she wasn’t there. I know she had paid money for an event out of town but honestly paying her respects to her good friend’s family should be more important. I don’t really understand my mom lately. I feel like she has lost sight of some of the things that are truly important in life. My mom seems to just put things out of her mine like they aren’t even real.
I also got to see a friend at the memorial that I don’t see very often but she is definitely a lifelong friend. We have been friends for over thirty years. It was really great to see her. These days my mom sees her more than I do. It is so funny how like goes sometimes. When we were teenagers the two of us and our moms traveled all over the state of Texas together. At one point in my life she was more like my sister than my friend. I loved her parents and both of her brothers. Now both of her parents are gone and she is estranged from her brothers. Hopefully the next time I see her won’t be for a funeral.
My dad died three years ago and to be perfectly honest I have a really hard time watching other people celebrate this holiday. I make a point of staying off social media on Father’s Day. My dad and I always had a complicated relationship. My mom has always told me we are just alike. I never really saw it but I know that we fought all the time. My dad was really strike on me when I was younger and I hated every minute of it. As I got older we developed a relationship that was still strained but yet we were able to get along better. I think my biggest issue with my dad is that I never thought he was proud of me. He would tell other people but he never told me. I never felt like anything I did was good enough for him until I became a mom. As a mom my dad really respected me. As it turns out, he was also really proud of me for getting my master’s. He didn’t get to see me graduate but I think he knew I was going to finish. My dad died at the end of May before I graduated in December. My graduation was one of the hardest days of my life because he wasn’t there.
It is so weird because now that he has been gone sometimes it feels like he was never here. I miss him a lot but mainly when something really big happens. My mom has an even more obscure situation than I do. She was married to my dad for almost 59 years but a boyfriend that she was only with for a year and a half seems to mean more to her than my dad. It is so hard to wrap my head around that. I don’t want to be upset with her because I know she can’t help her feelings.
I think the other thing about this day is that my kids are always with their dad. I don’t regret my divorce from my first husband but I do miss being able to share Father’s Day with them like I did when they were younger. I think I feel a lot of guilt that my kids have had to grow up without having both their parents every day. It probably seems silly but I guess I just don’t want them to miss out on anything. My kids tell me that they are better people not having been raised by both of us but I can’t help wondering if that is really true. I don’t want them to look back on their life and feel the loss because of my decisions.
So I don’t think anyone enjoys funerals. Tomorrow I have to attend the second funeral of a former student. Life is not supposed to work that way. I’m not supposed to be attending the funeral of my students. I haven’t really been teaching that many years because I came into my career later in life. A lot of teachers are lucky enough to spend years teaching before they ever have to deal with the untimely death of a student. In a little over eight years I have lost one to racing, one to suicide and now one to cancer. I have had so many wonderful students and I am lucky enough to keep up with them through social media. I watch them get married, have children and even graduate college. I have gone on so many adventures through my students. I honestly can’t imagine doing anything else for a living but today I am sad to be a teacher. I am sad to know that one of my special students lost his battle with cancer. Students are supposed to outlive their teachers just like children are supposed to outlive their parents. I am thankful that I will be able to say goodbye tomorrow with many of my former students but I am also saddened that the world has lost such a special soul. RIP
So if I was at home I would be surrounded by people talking about Father’s Day. In Bolivia I’m safe because today doesn’t have the same significance here. Today is the second Father’s Day without my dad. I remember spending Father’s Day last year with my ex fiance’s family. I miss my dad a lot but I have learned to have some peace. I know he doesn’t suffer anymore which definitely makes things easier. I spend a lot of time with my host family here in Cochabamba which is actually pretty cool. I miss being at home in one respect but in others it is actually nice to be on my own. I have a couple of really great friends who have kept in close contact with me which has helped a lot. I feel like my life is on the verge of significant change but I have no idea how I will be effected by that change. My ex was on my mind a lot yesterday so I sent him a message. It was the first contact we’ve had in a couple of weeks. It was innocent and friendly and I did it for the right reasons. I would love to say that I don’t still miss him but I would be lying. I don’t think about him all the time like I used to though. I am feeling stronger and depending on the news I get tomorrow it may get that much easier to let go of my ex and the past. I am boycotting Facebook today so I can avoid Father’s Day. I know it’s silly but that is how I choose to deal with today.
So I only have two days until the anniversary of my father’s death. Today my heart is sad. Sad for the loss of my father and sad for the loss of the love of my life. I have felt like I would be alone for the rest of my life for some time but now it has become clear that without him I’m not sure I can find my fairy tale. I never believed my second husband when he used to talk about fairy tale love. I thought he was ridiculous and immature. Then I met the ex and my whole world changed. He is the man that caused me to have a before and after. My life before him was filled with people that I cared about and loved but there really wasn’t any great love. I didn’t have the kind of love that knocks you off your feet and makes you feel like you’re floating. My ex made me feel that way. He made me feel like the most beautiful and amazing person ever. I completely took him for granted and let all my insecurities tear us apart. He broke me and since then I haven’t been able to put all the pieces back together. I plan to spend some time working on that while I am in Bolivia this summer. There has to be a worth while after him. He can’t be the end. God needs to take away these feelings and let me heal. I derserve to be happy. I don’t necessarily need to be happy with someone else but I deserve the chance to not feel so broken. I want to be whole again. Today I talked to the pastor of my church and I plan to meet with him before I leave so that he can pray with me. I just really hope that I get the new job because that will make it easier on the ex and I. I think it would be better for both of us if we didn’t see each other all the time. He told me that he would miss me if i left but I still think it would be better for both of us if the new job comes through. I just hope that God agrees that this new job is the best place for me. Life is about changes and I think it is definitely time for some changes in my life.